Putting myself first

Valentines Day…

For once…I decided to put myself first.  It wasn’t long ago that I went to see this amazing lady ‘a psychic’ I guess you could call her – or a ‘medium’ ..anyway she does all sorts of things – other than getting contact from those already passed over she also reads cards and tells you what she believes you need to know for your future.  Usually it’s a combination of the two…messages from loved ones, no longer with us together with their influence over the cards on the table.  You may believe it – you may not – but I like it (the few times that I’ve done it) and it’s made me feel good…really good!  When i’ve felt a little lost – its given me some direction.

So, it was a while back now – a year or so ago, when i went in search of some clarity.. my book, a second child, what country we would live in (there was lots of talk of us moving to Singapore but it seemed endlessly uncertain). Those were my reasons for going but inevitably she picks up on other underlying issues.  So she brought up my feeling of ‘dissatisfaction’ and perhaps ‘invisibility’ (for want of a better way to describe it).  And she was right.  Of course life changes when you marry and have a child but I was not helping myself.  I’m always putting other people first, particularly in the family sense.  It’s like what I ‘really’ want seems to get pushed aside as I feel I need to keep them happy first and foremost … not from fear or anything but just for ease – to avoid confrontation, pointless bickering or the unwanted hassle that I would expect.  My husband often says I should put myself first more, do more for ‘me’ and i know he means it – though in my view saying it is one thing but me actioning it would be another and there would be a string of repercussions – so I guess I opt for the easy option and put many of my desires ‘on hold’.

Well…, Valentines Day.  There’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to go to eat and that’s China Tang. Many reasons really, i’ve had lots of drinks (lots!) in the bar at the Dorchester and eaten in tons of nice restaurant but this one always remained a mystery.  That was one point, another was that I actually like Chinese, authentic Chinese but 9 times out of 10 don’t enjoy it from bog standard restaurants or take-aways so I needed it from a good one.  The other reason was that Kate Moss often eats there. Enough said! Being possibly one of her biggest fans for a multitude of reasons, I tend to be overly interested in what she does, where she goes etc. and having known for years that she dines there and still not having been myself, i was feeling a slight sense of urgency.

My husband however who eats out in town in fancy restaurants most days of the week for breakfast and lunch with clients, mates (disguised as clients) and whoever else, is generally less interested in venturing to such places in the evening.  He would always – always – always, to reiterate… always… choose our local italian, which is indeed very special, also frequented by numerous celebrities and just 5 minutes up the road. But its always the same! He’d be there every night of the week if possible.. and generally when we go out to eat – it’s there!  I know he loves it so I don’t argue.  I like it too – but i prefer change and variety from time to time.  I need it.

I never want to force anyone into anything so I don’t push. I kind of expect those close to me to know what I like/don’t like – so I refrain from ‘calling the shots’ so to speak and just hope they’ll suggest something based on what they think i might like.

Anyway this time – I made the decision.  I booked China Tang for this special ‘romantic’ dinner and engaged in no discussion about it.  Of course just before we went the ‘local italian’ cropped up in conversation but I didn’t feed it… I carried on my merry preparations excited and confident about what we were doing, indifferent to what his thoughts were.  I put myself first.  I didn’t question it.  I did it wholeheartedly, positively and I enjoyed every second of it.  From the cocktail at the start to the hobbling out the door at the end of the evening (back still bad).  Gorgeous food. Gorgeous place. Gorgeous evening.  I didn’t ask once if he’d rather be anywhere else, i just got on with it – trusting in my decision and I felt really good for it. We had a great time.

I’m sure the hubby missed ‘our local’ but so be it. As he often says to me ‘A happy wife is a happy life.’  So there you go. It paid off and I will be doing a lot more of that in the future!

Very proud 🙂

 

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