Thursday night 15th Jan ..9pm (copied in from my diary app!)
So I’ve been toying/battling with the idea of writing a diary again for some time… Quite a long time actually but I always end up putting it out of my mind. (And very occasionally I write in this diary ‘app’ on my phone when I know I have to say something). I have the big huge book to write in that Mikaela suggested I bought back when she was here helping us with William and I have it just here under my bedside table but I still haven’t begun.
I think the thing is – or the things are two.. One being the reason that I stopped ages ago as I thought it stopped me really savouring or living in the moment and also made me a bit insular – ie would have been far better had I just spoken about all the things that I was writing about … And two; because the world is all about twitter, Facebook, blogs and all the other masses of social media platforms .. So if anything I should really be doing it on there. Particularly because my book is now finished (Hoorahh) and it seems that in order to get any interest or success out of it/from it, I would apparently need to have a massive social media following!!! Gone are the days of a book haut being liked or successful it seems..
(With regard to book am still not sure if would have been better as 3 books – or the one that it now is but it seemed the general consensus was moving towards one so currently that’s what it is)
Anyway … Back to reason two and the need for social media input. Given the current climate where that is all concerned together with the fact that I love to write diaries and get things out of my head and on to somewhere else – twitter, blog, Facebook etc would appear to be the perfect solution for this outlet as well as being potentially beneficial from a business point of view.. i.e. promoting the book by getting my following. However, no matter how hard I try or think about it or push myself to do it, I still totally struggle to throw my ‘stuff’ out there to the world!! I have tried…
Facebook I rarely ever post anything on – apart from perhaps having lost my phone or this year trying to up the ante a little I actually put a ‘happy new year’ message on it .. Only to soon see there was a stupid typo in it – which made me panic instantly and took me ages to figure out how to edit it! ..which spoilt one of the few family pijama breakfasts we were having as I was totally distracted by trying to rectify what I thought would be a 3 second job. Hence have since left fb alone! ..Other than nosing of course. I have a twitter account but am such an amateur I hardly know how to use it but am trying and considering accelerating a little – though still not convinced as can’t imagine why anyone would want to know any of the sh*t/relative nonsense I may put on there! I mean if you’re a celebrity ok it’s different – I’m interested but half the crap that you’re average Joe puts on there I have to say I find mind blowingly pointless, though yes ..I still read it.
And as for the blog, I started that too – with the idea of it being my live diary as opposed to the life long ones I’ve had in my bedside drawers and written avidly since I was about 13 – and now stopped for the two main reasons mentioned above. But that hasn’t quite taken off either!! Ok so I got 5 likes on my last point – miracle of miracles but I’m still not writing freely on it – far from it. I guess I do get a kind of little buzz when I hit publish (very minor) and then again if someone likes it – although it all feels a bit cyber.. And it’s nothing like the satisfaction I get from writing my thoughts and feelings of the moment in a diary then closing it. That’s like a huge sigh of relief, huge… natural smile arises and head goes down on the pillow with a clear concience and feeling of peace with myself. This just doesn’t happen when posting on the computer knowing that others (that I do or don’t know) are reading it… Entirely different.
So I think the fact is that I am basically better at talking to myself … Yes… I am probably mad..
Anyway – the other thing is that there’s this huge drive/desire/passion to be someone – to publish my book and make a huge success of it and be ‘known’ , so there’s this huge pressure to create this powerful presence on social media etc where all I really want to do is write in my diary in bed – or offload to the few friends that get me … So why am I struggling so much and putting myself through this?
I realised tonight whilst I sat downstairs sex and the city on, flicking through my phone trying to figure out twitter etc, focused on mastering it (though my heart not in it) all the while hearing my little boy coughing his head off on the monitor… Poor thing, is so uncomfortable – those horrible coughs that keep you up all night!! And I’ve got my phone resting on my huge pregnant tummy holding the baby girl that we’ve been waiting for and trying so hard to get .. And these are the things that are important In life – or at least they should be!! It can’t be that I always want for something then when I get it simply want for something else – it’s not fair/not right for the original things I wanted … Like these… I wanted them so badly, they now need my full care and attention – not just half of it cos the other half is lost on fighting to achieve something else…
Yes of course it’s good to have ambition and to strive for better things and to better yourself but not for it to be an obsession .. And not for it to come between other essentially more important things… Also not to forget that the right things tend to happen quite naturally, yes you have to try, of course, absolutely…and often try hard but it also has to be natural … Come from the heart.
I haven’t given up yet on the social media .. But don’t think I’ve quite found my niche yet either!